雅思作文修改---范例(超详细)

题目：Some people think computer and Internet are important in children’s study,but others think students can learn more effectively in schools an with teachers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

With the development of society and technology, using computer has been a very common thing in our daily life. There is a discussion about whether children should use computers to help them study or not.

With the widespread of computers, even teachers are using computers when imparting knowledge to students. It is certain that students regard computers as a tool of study. Moreover, children can acquire knowledge in an all-around way by using computers for the reason that they can learn with all their senses-hearing, vision, tactile. In addition, computers can provides children with a more rich and colorful world that they can not get from traditional education. Furthermore, children can broaden their horizons by surfing the Internet.

However, people who are old-fashioned hold an opposite view. They believe that students should gain knowledge only by going to school and listening to their teachers. As they said, teachers are those who are experienced, under whose guidance learning can be more efficient. Refer to computers, although the benefits are acknowledged, there are still lots of harm that computers can bring to children, such as negative information (egg. violence, pornography)and being harmful to children’s eyes.

As far as I know, the benefits of computers weigh the harms. On one hand, students should go to school and listen to teachers carefully; on the other hand,computers could help them learn more about the knowledge and the world outside the school.

回复邮箱：xusensen@

点评：文章得分在5-5.5左右

内容：句子在逻辑上不够完善，比如第二段，很多只是随便甩了一个观点，也没有做任何的解释，没有解释或者举例的观点那算不得观点；所以最后文章的饱满程度会大打折扣；比如你在moreover后面的观点，完全可以再加上“因为这些栩栩如生的资料模拟了孩子们现实生活中的各种情景”，所以孩子们才能学到更多；

衔接：衔接部分还好，可见一定花了时间在背诵这些连接词上，比如我在文中加粗的词语

观点数量：一般好的作文，一个不成文的规定就是正反两个方面各有三个观点，你可以看下你有没有达到