THE PERSON THAT I ADMIRE In my mind

THE PERSON THAT I ADMIRE In my mind,there are many great athletes.Some are famous for their wonderful grades.Some are well known for their never-give-up attitude.And some win their own fame due to their strong determination that they have.（使用修辞，使首段优美）

However,I admire one athlete most and I think she is the best athlete.Her name is Deng Yaping. （引出话题 点明中心） Deng Yaping is a talented athlete（过渡句）.But because of her short body（外貌描写）,the national team didn’t accept her at first（时间线索）.

This didn’t make her disappointed and give up her dream.She only trained harder and harder.Also,she always believed that she was not too short for anything（心理描写）.

At last,she won many championships and the national team made her a member,too.I really think she is the best athlete because she always has confidence. No matter what other people say,she is always putting her heart into hard training and never gives up(围绕中心，点明钦佩原因).

Deng is short of height but she doesn’t lack a competitive heart(紧扣中心).As the saying goes that where there is a will,there is a way(引用名言).I admire her for her success because she believes she has the ability to make her dream come true.I’ll learn from her and never give up(升华主题). 本文符合记叙文文体，及其6要素，三段式安排合理，但个别语法等有错误，缺少亮点，给11.5分。命题准确体现记叙文文体 A Person Who I Admire In my mind, there is a person who I admire. He is very important in my life. He made me know that ―where there is a will, there is a way.‖

This is the saying which is helpful to my study and life. He is my dad. There is an experience between us. Let’s share it together. 首段开门见山点明主题，修辞使用了名言引用，写出启下句。

Two years ago, my dad and I came to Shan Dong to climb the Mount Tai. It was too high for me to climb. I was very scared. But my father didn’t care whether it was too high or not. He pulled me up to the mountain. He climbed so fast that I couldn’t catch him.

Two hours later, we climbed half of the mountain. Though the scenery there is very beautiful, I was too tired to enjoy it. As I wanted to quit climbing, my dad didn’t stop .After we arrived the top of the mountain, I even couldn’t stand.

He said to me ―If you want to be a true man, you must keep going.‖ When I heard this , I was very angry. （Without saying any words , I tried to follow him.） I looked around, it was so beautiful that I couldn’t believe it was on the earth.

It seemed that we stood on the clouds and the sun was shining around us. My father said to me ―My son , you got it. You are a true man now. Remember: where there is a will, there is a way.‖ 中间段紧扣题目中心，突出典型事件-和父亲登泰山的经历，详略得当，动词富于变化，长短句相结合，其中穿插了心理，语言，动作描写使人充分感受到作者意图和文章内涵。几处失分地方---语法错误：省份和名字写法混淆，正确写法Shandong Province 追赶某人catch up with sb.到达某地arrive at/in sp.副词even 应在实义动词前。语言表述不当:划线部分应放在前一句前面。意思表达不完整：括号部分是老师加的句子。

From then on, I met lots of trouble in my study and life, but I worked them out. My father helped me a lot. He is a person who I admire.

尾段重申主题，总结文章。但没有升华主题，发出号召。建议改成：From then on, whenever I met difficulties in my study or life, I tried my best to overcome them. Because I learned never-give-up attitude and lots of determinations from my father. He is the person who I admire. Let’s follow him together, to be a true man.

A NEVER-GIVE-UP PERSON It seems that the successful man is talented, smart and uncommon. At least, they must be healthy. But if you have seen the program named China’s Got Talent, a young man without arms must change your mind.

Even though he was no arms, he can play the piano very well with his feet. Isn’t it amazing? Yes, he is a never- give-up person. 首段的开篇较新颖，由一般到特例，层层深入，采用了举例子，设问等多种说明方法，直接点明主题，语句优美，句式丰富，有新意，引人入胜。

The young man is named Liu Wei. When he was the years old, he lost his arms in an accident. （人物基本情况简介）As that time, everyone thought the little boy would have an unfortunate life. but Liu Wei believed life was only changed in his hand. He wanted to live wonderfully.

He started learning to swim. He wanted to get the champion in the Olympic Games.（采用对比的写法，突出人物的性格特征，紧扣主题） At the age of 19, he had to quit swimming because of his handicap. However, Liu Wei never gave up living wonderfully.

（以时间顺序为事情的发展主线，以人物自身的缺陷为问题产生地基点，再次突出人物的性格特征，使人物形象更佳显明）He became interested in playing the piano. Even though nobody thought it possible, he made up his mind to do so. He practiced harder and harder and overcame a lot of difficulties that we couldn’t imagine.

（他人的看法，是外界环境的描写，其目的是通过强烈的对比，来体现人物是如何坚持自己的信念，解决问题的。）Finally, he succeeded in playing the piano and gave us a wonderful show. Now, he is a famous pianist, Liu Wei has become a successful man. （时间脉络清晰，今昔对比鲜明，以他的成功来验证了本文主题的作用。）

第二段的描写无疑是成功的，依据事情发展的时间顺序，强烈的对比，非常清晰地体现了作者的写作思路：出 …… 此处隐藏：6640字，全部文档内容请下载后查看。喜欢就下载吧 ……